Sunday, July 18, 2010

Cougars

I am facinated with cougars of all shapes and forms. Please see the video below. It is some of my finest work.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEiKqkFQvyg

Monday, March 15, 2010

Once it Ends...What do you do?

News Flash...I am single (just in case anyone was still confused by the pictures in the previous posts). Lately I have gained more and more experience in the dating world. I know it is weird that I am approaching 29 and still cannot figure out the whole end of the date at the door. It is borderline traumatic. It requires reading signals, which often times I misread or do not process fully until after the shining moment has passed. I can have a great time on the date and be totally into the dude then suddenly and inadvertently send him cues that I am not interested. It is not my intent to be dating challenged, but I am.

Here are a list of things not to do at the end of a date (unless you don't like the guy) because they send the wrong message:

1) High Five-nothing says "I think you're sexy" like a high five. Also the crazy special handshake with back flips and twirls is not appropriate either.

2) Head Lock followed by Nuggie-This is something only boys in 3rd grade did. No person above the age of 12 should ever do this to someone they like. Especially at the end of a date. I have not fallen victim to this, I am sure this happens.

3) Side Hug-There are a few occasions when this cannot be avoided. However, I have given plenty of side hugs at the end of dates. Even if I had a great time and we had great chemistry, it is that moment of trying to read their signals that you move one way, they move another...next thing you know...the side hug comes out you look at each other awkwardly, hope for a redo, but it never happens.

4) "I Think I am taller than you"-This has never ended on a good note for me. Though not said in spite, but mere observation mixed with my lack of filter it did not help me out. I may have said this more than once. Sometimes I need to learn the first time and move on.

5) Single Handed hug with the Double Pat-There was this time I was totally crushing over this boy. He was cute, I even fake laughed for him a few times. We went out, had fun. At the end of the date we were talking he complimented me and then he brushed the side of my face with the back of his hand and leaned in. My natural reaction...that is correct...The one armed hug with the double pat. I should have learned how to read the signals he gave from all the chick flicks in this world. However, I still failed. I double patted him. It wasn't until about 3 minutes after he left that I put it all together. I didn't get a second chance. After that he moved on.

6) Sneeze in his Face-I will not admit to ever doing this. Just imagine the awkward moment after.

7) Lose your Keys-I lose my keys often. This does play to your benefit though. Sometimes the dude will show his thug skills and attempt to break in to your apartment and show you just how insecure your house is. Other times, they will use it as an excuse to hang out with you, go get ice cream and talk some more. It shows you what a stand up guy they are if they stay with you until you are able to get into your apartment.

8) Fall as you are walking up the stairs-This is not uncommon at all for me. I lack coordination, unless I am playing competitive sports. I have actually fallen coming up the stairs. The fall was graceful, as graceful as I get, and with blood drawn, and a twisted ankle, I played it like nothing happened, standing tall and trying with every ounce of strength not to walk with a limp. It is rough to be me.

9) "Want to see my Rash?"-Skin conditions should never be discussed at the end of a date. I have had guys pull out their battle wounds, pull of the bandages, and describe to about how and when the wound oozes the most. I tried to block it out, but I am writing about it, so there is residual trauma left.

10) Good Game-For those not familiar with the Good Game, think of any sporting team as someone scores, there is a slap on the butt to represent respect and pride in a team member. It signifies a job well done. Is is bad that I have always wondered what reaction would come at the end of a date if the girl Good Gamed the guy. What if it was a double Good Game?

11) Chest Bump-Lucky number 11. No this is not the appropriate time or method to employ the boob graze. Occasionally, both people go in for a hug aggressively and it ends in either a head butt or a chest bump. Next thing you know someone is lying on the ground because of their lack of preparation to receive such an action. The chest bump is something that must be expected, you need proper footing and proper tightening of the core muscles.

Now you all can stop wondering why I am single. I lack skills in reading body language at the end of a date. I lack a filter which does not help my situation. Also, I apparently don't pay enough attention during chick flicks. One of these days I hope to encounter someone who is either as dating awkward as I am, or that finds it adorable. Either way, keep cheering for me. Until then, I will continue to gather funny stories about awkward situations, and I will try and stick with something simple like a normal hug, however, when under pressure it is like spinning the Price is Right wheel, I never know if it will be 5 cents or $1.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I burned the "Rice A Roni": 3 ways to tell the previous posting was a hoax

As I was putting together the last posting I felt deceitful and mean. I knew that when I posted it inevitably some people would not understand that it was a joke. I also went in knowing that this may become a "boy who cried wolf" scenario. I tried my best not to keep people in the dark. I received several congratulatory calls and emails in which I quickly told people it was fake.

I left several clues in the posting that it was fake. Perhaps it was that the pictures were so strong that they overwhelmed the readers to the point that they lost all ability to reason in the hope and desires of me finding Love. I do have to give my friend props for his participation in the pictures. He was very convincing with his face and held character much better than I did. He had the whole "look into her eyes with hunger" thing down. Also, my roommate was an amazing photographer and helped capture the moment with her mad skills. However, here are 3 clues that they were fake.

1)Dude was wearing a tie, I was wearing Jeans:

There are several ways to rationalize that this did not matter. Perhaps, that the romance happened so quickly that I didn't have time to put on a dress before our ever so romantic pictures were taken.

2) The names of the websites

I do not doubt that these websites might actually exist, however, I would hope that all the readers out there would have higher expectations for me than to use a website called "FindYourLover.com" that focuses in on mail-order husbands. I just want to point out that I am not even 31 yet. Thus I don't need to resort to such drastic measures.

3) Me Laughing in the Pictures
If you zoom into the facial expressions. You will see my friend who makes it look real enough for the both of us. Then you look at me...smirk on my face...and trying not to laugh. Perhaps people thought that I was just so happy that I was giggly.


I thank all people who offered up congratulations. I apologize for making you feel gullible. I appreciate that you gave me the benefit of the doubt. Please continue to be trusting.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Meet "Rice A Roni": My San Franciscan Treat



This perhaps is not the best way to introduce the Love of my life to my family and friends, however, it is the best way to spread the word around. This was indeed a whirlwind romance. My dad has been encouraging me to try online dating for a while. So I did. Meet my San Fransiscan treat. I met him on a site similar to eHarmony but it was called FindyourLover.com. FindyouLover.com is more focused upon mail order husbands. I have to say that this site was a step above SugarDaddiesRUs.com and I didn't quite qualify for the CougarliciousCougarsSeekingCubs.com website either.

I took a trip to San Fransisco to meet him. I spent the weekend trying to see if him and I could connect. From the pics below you can see the chemistry.



**No animals were harmed in the snapping of these photos.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Top 10 Ways to Get Ahead During the Economic Downturn**: A New Economic Stimulus Program

With all the talk about Swine Flu the News coverage on the Economy has taken a swift decline. I know, I know that all of you think about it every day. There are so many ways that we can save during these tough times and ways to increase money making potential. See Below:

1) Steal the Ketchup packets from restaurants- It is amazing how much ketchup one person can consume. Seriously...we are talking about $2-20 dollars a month depending on the quality and quantity of ketchup.

2) Eat your roommates food-There are definite perks to having a roommate. One of the biggest cost of living on your own is buying food. There is always the Ramen option, but realistically, after freshman year of college...no one can look at Ramen the same. $100-300 per month.

3) Hookie Bob to work- I have always wondered what to do with my old Rollerblades. Driving to work is such a hassle and it consumes large amounts of gas. Just strap on the skates, and hold onto someones spoiler. Don't forget to wear proper protection....sunblock during the summer is a must. With the cost of insurance and gas you are looking at $100-$300 savings per month.

4) Recycle-I see many people in California who take advantage of the "pay for recyclables" programs. They are not afraid to dumpster dive for the plastic bottles. I really should try that. I could also pass the scent off as a new perfume. Supplemental income of $30-800 per month (even more if you include the savings in deodorant and perfume).

5) Stop Shaving- Razorblades cost a lot of money. As long as you don't mind the extra insulation in the summer this is a no brainer. $5-25 per month in savings.

6) Outsource your job- That is correct. Hire someone else for cheaper to do your job so that you can spend your time either dumpster diving for greater earnings on #4 or so that you can start a second job. Supplemental income of $1000-5000 per month.

7) Find a Sugar Daddy/Cougar- There will always be that significantly older person who is looking for a youngster to fulfill their desire to stay young. In this economy this can be beneficial for someone like me. Being single and not so picky I can definitely capitalize on this aspect. As long as you are willing to ignore the moral compass of exchanging your chance at love for materialistic support this could be a winner. We are not talking about just taking care of a few bills...we are talking about Creating a lifetime of security.

8) Start a New Business- It is never too late to start a new business. My coworkers and I began talking about this subject when they announced there would be layoffs at my company. I decided that if I were to loose my job I would definitely start a company. It would be titled..."Tacos and Hos" Imagine a taco truck and an RV parked next to each other. I would be the manager/pimp. I would help create the menu (including the combo platters; 1 Taco & 2 Hos, 3 Tacos & 3 Hos, etc.) We would also have Horchata and Whorechata. You get the Idea. Supplemental income $1,000,234 per year. (Yes, I have a proforma statement based on historical data to support that)

9) Cut back on the Shoe Obsession- Lets be honest. Shoes are really unnecessary. I triple dog dare anyone to walk around the next 3 weeks without shoes on.

10) Live in a Van down by the River- I have always wanted to own my own place. In California...this is my best chance. For what I pay in 2 months rent I could buy an awesome van with carpet inside. This would allow me to save nearly one whole paycheck from living expenses. It would make moving really easy. Just put the car in drive and go where the wind blows. As for hygiene...I will already have my new perfume and deodorant methods. As for friends...it wouldn't be too difficult to find those....My unshaven legs and armpits mixed with the bare feet, and recycling habits I could easily find some people who have been living in trees to play with. Also...throw in my new scents and I would easily blend into a pack of wolves.

Please keep in mind that these are merely suggestions and not all of them apply to my actual life...However, I may or may not have tried some aspects of #1, #2, #5, #7.

**As with any suggestion the cost savings and earning potentials realized depend solely on one's dedication to the economic stimulus program provided.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Attention! Attention!

Hello Blog Readers, I know that there has been a long hiatus from new material on the blog. Stay tuned...actual real postings to occur this week.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Ahhh...The beach

I have not written much since I moved. To be honest there has been some adjusting for me. I have been trying to understand my new job, getting use to working long days, and trying to figure out my social life in California. It has been a bitter-sweet experience.

Here are some pictures that I took at the beach. I think the beach is amazing. The atmoshpere there is really amazing. I have decided to share some of these moments with you. These pictures were taken at Redondo Beach. It is OK if you are jealous.






















I have been searching for apartments here and have found it difficult to find something in my price range that is not in the ghetto. I thought about renting one of those places and buying a huge dog that could rip someones face off. However, I decided that this would not be the best situation. I will probably end up staying in Torrance and commuting everyday. This is not the ideal but for now it might work. I still have some apartments to look at so we will see how that turns out.

As for work. I have been trying to get grounded there. I am finally starting to understand some of my responsibilites. I am getting use to the long days. Oh.. I have also officially sold my soul. I now have a blackberry for work. Right now it is not too busy but we will see what happens.

I will post some more amusing stories later.